Why?

Sometimes I just have to ask myself why I do the things I do. Are they making me happy? Maybe. For a few days....weeks. But ultimately I know that's not what I want. I guess it's just the time of the year or maybe it's restlessness...cabin fever kind of things that make me go crazy. Its not really in my nature to act out in this way. Maybe I'm just too stuck in a kind of fantasy of sorts. I keep thinking that each time something will be different.....haha see my definition of insanity entry....but even if things did end up differently would that make me happy?
I feel stupid for thinking this way because really, this year has been fantastic. I'd have to say maybe the best I have in college. I have amazing friends....who while they do tend to push me a little to close to the personal cliff I seem to have been inching closer to every month...they support me completely and will always be there for me if and when I need them. I'm not sure what is going on in the crazy mess that is my head, but something just isn't connected right at the moment. I think it might be the stress of finals, but I'm not sure.
In some ways I'm afraid of what I'm turning into. I've discovered I usually always get what I want....maybe not right away, but eventually I do. While it might not always be in the healthiest way...I have just accepted that when I see something I want (whatever it will be) if I stick it out long enough I will get it. I know how terrible that must sound, but honestly I don't know what is better. To not get it and just deal with it, or continue down the path I'm on and accept it. I've seen this happen to other people (on a grander and ever more unhealthy scale) and I've seen what it did to them. I know I am probably a stronger person but even still. One person can only hold so much inside them for so long and this isn't something I can talk about because I don't know how to say it. Even now, this probably doesn't make any sense unless you are in my head.
I should probably just deal with it. Its not like I'm using hard drugs or anything really life threatening, I'm just having fun. I don't think I'll be in therapy when I'm 35 because of the crap I did in college. I just wish I could travel 5 years into the future and see what I am doing. See what kind of choices I made so if I need to eject and take a new direction I can do it now.